Thoughts from Thanksgiving day

I know I'm a bit late in posting this, as Thanksgiving was last week already.  But, that's how things go.  

This year Thanksgiving was a lot different than last year.  Last year I was sitting at 40 Thieves on the beach of the Indian Ocean.  It was great!  I couldn't get Skype to work with family back home, but at least I had a decent phone connection.  This year, I couldn't even keep a phone call connected in Sibanga.  A few of us celebrated Thanksgiving at the Karibuni Lodge.  Dinner was fantastic!  The food there always is!  

But, Thanksgiving started with more of a difficult time emotionally.  I woke up in the morning and had my morning coffee and morning routine.  Around 8:00 I loaded up 4 of the kids into the van to drive up to the tai stage in the Sibanga market.  I was taking them there along with In Step's social worker because they were on their way to a medical office in Kitale to have their HIV checkup.  Each of the 4 is HIV Positive through birth/breast feeding.  These are 4 very intelligent kids.  4 kids who deserve so much better than this.  All I could think as I drove them was "this is just wrong".  There is something so wrong about the whole situation.  I know that "life isn't fair".  My dad preached that message to me most of my life.  But still, this goes somewhere beyond life not being fair.  To know of the desperate situations they have come from and to know of the horrible disease in their bodies...it's just wrong in every way.  No one deserves HIV; no one deserves HIV at all.  But to have done nothing at all and still have it...it just doesn't make sense.  

That was the morning.  In the afternoon, I was shown how to change the head dressing for Tracy.  You can read Tracy's story here http://www.rehemainstep.com/?post_type=photo-gallery&s=tracy

Tracy just returned last week from a hospital where another skin graft was done.  Still, a piece of it seems to not be taking right.  As Hoglah showed me the process and we slowly removed the wrap and bandages, I had to force back the tears.  How could any parent do this to their own child?  Again, it's just wrong.  I don't get it.  Not one bit.  It doesn't make sense to me.  How could any parent so badly burn their child and then continue to scratch the wounds open to use that child to beg for money on the streets?  I was talking to Carla about it later and she had a good answer.  She said I don't get it either.  The day I do get it is the day I've been here for too long".  What Tracy's parents did was pure evil and I pray that I never understand that level of evil.  But in the spirt of thankfulness, Tracy is a beautiful, happy little girl!  The whole time that we were with her in the medical room, she was giggling and smiling.  I cleaned and changed the dressing on Saturday again.  She was a blast to be around.  Her smile during the whole thing said that she was going to be okay.  After we were done, I picked her up and walked around with her.  She wouldn't let go of my neck.  We hummed songs and laughed.  I'm thankful that she has overcome the evil done to her.  

While these things do not make any sense at all to me, I'm thankful that I am here to be a part of the healing process for these kids.  I'm thankful that these kids here have a very bright future ahead of them.  It's a huge blessing to watch these kids grow up.  I can't wait to see them as adults.  Leaders in the community and in their jobs.  I'm thankful that what was meant for evil is in the process of being redeemed for good!  

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!  

-Ray

The gift of touch

This week has really flown by!  I woke up this time last week after spending the first night at my new home; In Step.  It's been an incredible week too!  We got two more babies this week.  Baby Nate came early in the week.  He was no more than 1 or two weeks old when he was abandoned.  Towards the end of the week baby Ray came.  He was only a two days old when he was abandoned.  He's an adorable little guy too!  Last week our older boys also took mid-terms at a local school.  Next week is finals (crazy, but true schedule because of a teacher strike).

With 121 kids, it gets pretty crazy here sometimes.  It can be loud.  Very loud.  In fact, right now the kids are out on the veranda having church and singing songs at the top of their lungs in Swahili.  I no longer need an alarm because around 6:30 when all of the kids show up in the veranda for breakfast, I wake up.  There is rarely a time in the day where it's totally quiet when the kids are not in class. Even then, there are a bunch of babies making nosies.  Still, it's such a joy!  To hear so many happy voices and see so many giggling faces is a blessing.  Especially when you begin to know some of their stories. They have come from seemingly hopeless situations and are now in a home filled with love and hope.  Hope of a bright future.  Their pasts are in a process of being redeemed.  And that's why I can't help but smile at the noise.  Or when I see a group playing.

One of the things that I've realized this week is that I can't play with every single child all day long.  There're just too many of them. But I've realized that I can at least hold their hand as I walk by.  Or pick them up for a few moments each.  There is something so powerful in that gift of touch.  The kids long for it.  And I think that if we're honest, most of us do too.  It's wonderful to walk past a group of kids and hold them each.  It can be tiring after a dozen kids ask to be held.  But it's a joy too.  To see their smiling face is awesome.  It's as if a child walking by saying "pick me up" is really saying "will you love me".  For me, it's become important to say "yes".  Even if I can't always pick each one up, I can hold their hand, of give them  a hug.

Storms

Last week I booked a plane ticket to Kenya.  My flight was supposed to be tomorrow (Tuesday).  This past week has been absolutely crazy.  There have been so many details to work out and goodbyes to say along with packing.  I found myself getting so stressed out about everything.  I have so many more people I want to spend time with but there just enough enough time to see every single person.  By yesterday morning (Sunday) things were getting crazy as I tried to figure out rides to the airport as the hurricane was approaching.

At some point I stopped and thought about why I was getting stressed out.  I started to think about the story where Jesus calmed the sea.  One fascinating thing begins that story, and it's one that we tend to not pay enough attention to.  The story begins with Jesus telling His disciples "we're going to the other side".  Then he goes and takes a nap in the back of the boat as a storm hits.  The disciples must have also forgot that Jesus told them that they're going to the other side.  It's why they got upset with Jesus and questioned if He cared that they were drowning.  It was this moment that they woke Jesus and He calmed the sea.  And they went on to the other side.

As I thought about that, I thought to the physical storm that is currently hitting us as well as the emotional storm of everything building up.  I remembered that, like the disciples, I'm going to the other side.  I have my support in.  I have my plane ticket.  In Step is awaiting my arrival in Kenya.  I know that I'm going.  I stopped worrying and chose to no longer allow myself to be stressed out.

This was tested last night as I saw that my flight was cancelled.  Again, I know that I'm going.  Sure, it was disappointing to see my flight status as cancelled, but I knew that a new flight was a phone call away.  So, I sat down with my laptop and called Travelocity.  I waited on hold for an hour and half.  My heart sank when the representative told me that he couldn't help me.  Even though I booked through Travelocity, I had to call the airline directly to change anything.  Still, I thought, why worry?  I knew that they were rebooking everyone free of charge.  I just had to wait on hold some more.  Turned out that it was only 30 minutes this time.  About 10 minutes later, I had a new flight booked.  And with an exit row seat too. Trust me, if you're tall, you understand the HUGE blessing an exit row seat really is!

So, the new flight is Thursday, November 1st.  I am mostly finished packing; I just have the last minute things to pack, along with unpacking some clothing to wear for the extra couple of days.  Like the disciples, I am going.  Worrying and stressing will not get me there faster.  So I chose to enjoy the extra few days and what they will bring.

What storm are you facing?  Are you believing that you're going to drown or that you're going to get to the other side?  I guess it all comes down to focus.  You can focus on the bucket and try to bail out the boat, or you can look to the One who can calm the storm.  What strikes me as interesting is that the boat was still in the middle of the sea after the storm was calmed.  They were not taken out of the dangerous sea.  But they had peace as they shifted their focus.  It's still a little of a journey to get to Kenya.  There're still things that I have to do.  I still have the responsibility of getting to the airport on time and being diligent with my time.  Yet I have peace in it.  And believe me, it's a far better feeling than stress.

The adventure continues

I got back from Kenya just over 6 months ago now.  What a crazy 6 months it has been!  It's been almost exactly one year since I set off on my last Kenyan adventure.  So much has changed in the past year.  Relationships have changed.  Some for the best, others, not as much.  I've changed.  I feel different now than one year ago.  I've learned to trust even deeper in God's provision.  Since being home, I have been given rent free housing.  I got a part time job with the company I used to work for.  With it came the advantage of a free car.  I've had some awesome opportunities to speak about Kenya to some wonderful people.  I feel so much more alive.  St. Irenaues said that "The glory of God is man fully alive".  When I made the decision to leave my last job and chase my dream in Kenya, I've come far more alive than ever before.  It's as if I woke up one day and realized that I was killing myself going to work.  Nothing against that company, but it wasn't my passion anymore.  My passions were calling me elsewhere.

First coming back to the US was hard.  Jet lag aside, everything just felt... off.  I longed (and still do) to be back in Kenya.  Again, God was good.  I think that men especially long for a sense of purpose (maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think so?).  I found purpose in Kenya.  Sitting on the streets with kids that are typically ignored.  Playing games with those kids.  Standing up for them when no one else would.  I had purpose.  Being back in the US has shown me purpose here too.  I've continued to grow since being home.  I've had some great opportunities to meet, pray with and encourage people here in the US.  I remember the first time that someone stopped to write down what I said because it meant something to them.  I was blown away!  Not because I'm some great speaker or that I am full of wisdom.  I was blown away because it was awesome how God was still using me!    

Stil, I long for Kenya.  With every blog post of friends in Kenya, every picture uploaded, every message back and forth, my heart longs to be back home.  Right now I am looking at mid September for plane tickets back to Kenya.  The whole process over the last 6 months has been wild.  As I've been meeting with people and raising support, I've learned to truly depend on God to provide.  And that provision has come in amazing ways!  I remember looking at my numbers for monthly support as well as one time needs and thinking that I don't know how this is going to happen.  Not too long ago I was looking at my budget sheet and entering in different donations that came in.  My friend Kevin held a fundraiser for me the other weekend.  Over 1200 dollars was raised that night!  That was added to other one time gifts and I realized that all of the one-time needs were met and exceeded! 

Monthly support is also going well.  I need to have 1500 dollars a month raised before I buy my ticket.  As of right now, I am down to the last couple of hundred dollars left to raise!  Again, a number that used to frighten me as I wondered if it was ever going to happen has suddenly become much smaller and more attainable.  

So, as summer now comes to an end, it appears that so does my time in the US for a little while.  It's very bittersweet.  I hate goodbyes.  I'm a relational person and I so dearly miss my friends and my family when I am away.  Being away for Christmas last year was so difficult.  It was the first time that I can remember that I wasn't excited for Christmas.  But I thank God because technology has made staying in touch easier than ever before.  There's a joy that comes from being where I know I belong.  As hard as it is to leave so many people here, I have a deep joy for the work I am privileged to do in Kenya and I am very excited to go back and continue!  I can't wait to start working with In Step Foundation (http://www.rehemainstep.com).  The kids at In Step show how much hope there is in Kenya.  And I look forward to seeing how that is played out in their lives.  I look forward to seeing their lives transformed.  I look forward to watching as their deepest wounds begin to become their testimony of grace and God's sovereignty.    

If you are interested in learning more, I'd love to set up a time to meet with you.  Please email me at RayDSmith84@gmail.com and we'll set up a time to share.  Hopefully at a Starbucks because I've fallen in love with those Very Berry Hibiscus refreshers!  :) 

-Ray

Kind of thought provoking

Worth reading this to the end...it's a really unique take on this important issue.  I heard this passage a few weeks ago at my Elijah House class and finally bought the book; can't wait to hear what else the author has to say.  

"I don't want to be closed-minded or judgmental, but in good conscience I simply can't approve of the lifestyle. I personally believe it's a choice, not something predestined or forced upon anyone by anyone. I understand that parental upbringing is undoubtedly a big factor and that some people believe genes play a role in predisposing people to this orientation, but I also know that adults are responsible for their behavior, and the behaviors associated with this lifestyle are no exception. 

On the one hand, I believe that we live in a free country, and people should be free to do what they think is right. But on the other hand, I believe freedom has limits-one limit being where others are hurt by the chosen lifestyle. And this lifestyle, there can be no mistake, is hurting a lot of people. Families are being torn apart by it, and churches and denominations too. 

Everybody has an opinion on this controversial lifestyle, but I believe God's opinion is the one that matters most, and there is absolutely no question what God's opinion is according to the Bible. This orientation and the behaviors associated with it are thoroughly condemned, especially by Jesus. He was very compassionate toward many groups of people, but there is one group he had an absolute and uncompromising commitment to confront and expose, and it was those who dishonor themselves and others as humans made in the image of God by engaging in this lifestyle and its practices.

When people choose this lifestyle, they often cut themselves off from everyone who doesn't agree with them. They end up being assimilated and absorbed into closed communities where only their own voices and views are heard, and everyone who disagrees is mocked and condemned, often with very strong language. They often see their community as superior and become incapable of speaking respectfully to or of those of us who cannot in good conscience agree with them. Some of them go so far as to claim that God made them the way they are, pushing onto God the responsibility for their own choices and behaviors. 

Some, after giving themselves over completely to the lifestyle, have a crisis of conscience. But when they want to leave, their leaders and peers depict their changing perspective as a betrayal and pressure them to stay, often using fear tactics to intimidate them and keep them in their community. Special ministries have formed to help people exit the lifestyle, recover from the abuse and pain the community has been known to impose, and be reoriented to a healthier life and perspective. But even with professional therapy, many people feel they have been wounded for life by what they've experienced, and many, looking back on their years "inside," compare the lifestyle to an addiction. 

Spokespeople for the lifestyle can seem very educated and scholarly. They claim that their position has a long history behind it. They often quote scientific studies and back up their assertions with emotional anecdotes. Sometimes they seek to gain sympathy by claiming they are being mistreated and persecuted for being outspoken about their views. But they tend to ignore other strands of history and scientific research that contradict their position, and they ignore anecdotes that don't fit with their predetermined conclusions, and they minimize the persecution they inflict on others. 

Advocates are eager to recruit others into their "love" as they call it. Many organizations raise huge sums of money to recruit youth and children into their chosen way of life, and they have been extremely adept at using media-radio, TV and now the Internet-to gain an aura of credibility and legitimacy. They organize huge events and mass rallies to celebrate their growing clout and demonstrate that they are proud of who they are and what they stand for. Everyone knows how much influence they have in our political system, and how one political party in particular panders for their votes. But look at the countries where this lifestyle runs rampant, and you'll get an idea what our nation will be like if some of us don't have the courage to stand up and speak up. Wherever this lifestyle spreads, a whole host of social problems inevitably follows. 

Yes, activists may use the word love to justify their behavior, but those who disagree with them are seldom treated with love. Many of us have already faced the scorn of the activists who promote this chosen lifestyle and defend it as legitimate and even godly. For doing so we have received hate mail peppered with a wide range of threats and abusive speech, with many calling for our damnation. But even so, we have learned that we must not respond to hate with hate; we must love these people and seek to help them, even though we do not approve of their behavior.

You've probably realized by now that this parable isn't talking about "the gay lifestyle" but rather "the judgmental lifestyle," the kind of "take-the-splinter-out-of-your-brother's-eye" religiosity that Jesus talked about in the Sermon on the Mount. (If you didn't realize it, try going back and rereading it in that light.)"

Andrew Marin. Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community (p. 12). Kindle Edition. 

setting the record straight

Got to be honest before I start here...been a long week already.  Been one since Sunday.  

I started writing this earlier this evening.  I got annoyed with it, closed the laptop and spent some quite time.  I got home and sat outside by the fire pit and my attitude somewhat changed.  So I'm rewriting this blog using my "nice words".  

A lot of people have been calling me a name.  They've used this term many times and I've even called my self this name on more than one occasion.  The name has actually become rather offensive to me though.  I really don't like it and I don't like that I call myself this name too often.  That name?  Missionary.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a missionary.  Not as you may think of the term.  

People tend to think of missionaries as having their life all together.  Missionaries don't have bad days.  They don't say bad words.  They never have a drink or smoke.  They have perfect families and relationships.  Life is perfect.  Right?  WRONG!  At least, it sure is for me!  

I had a glass of scotch and smoked my pipe sitting by the fire.  Sometimes, I say a bad word.  Family?  HA!  I love my family, but there're still parts that are messed up.  My mom and I haven't spoken in over a year.  I reached a point where there's nothing I could do to fix it.  Life all put together?  Really?  that's a joke!  I've led a pretty crazy life so far.  I've done a lot of things that I'm proud of.  But I've done a lot of things I'm not so proud of too.  If you know me from back in the Friars' Society, you probably saw some of them.  Perfect relationships?  Yeah, I wish.  I wish I could fix them.  I'm going through something right now with someone I've been friends with for a long time.  After a conflict, this other person is refusing to work through it.  Instead, has said that they are unwilling to put effort into trying to fix things.  I wish I had perfect relationships.  I really do.  

I was reading the book of Ruth recently.  Great book from the Old Testament.  Quick back story:  Ruth and her sister in law are married into this woman named Naomi's family.  Both of their husbands die - no children.  Naomi tells them to go back to their fathers' homes to remarry.  The sister in law does this.  Ruth, well, she doesn't leave.  Here's what she says to Naomi:  

Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if 

even death separates you and me

That's what I want.  I want that same level of loyalty in my relationships.  And I'm not willing to settle for anything less.  I may not be a perfect person.  I've been broken and I have my problems.  But you know what?  I'm still being used in really awesome ways.  I may have a family member or two that I don't talk to.  I have a friend that has stabbed my in the gut.  I enjoy a cold beer or a scotch.  I love a good cigar from time to time.  I'm not what people think of in their heads when you say "missionary".  And you know what?  I don't know many people that are.  What am I then?

I'm a man chasing a dream.  I'm a man that is following a leading in my life to Kenya.  I'm a man who has failed many times.  But with each failure, I've learned something.  With each and every failure, I've become that much better of a man.  I've failed but I'm not a failure in any way.  I love the journey that I'm on.  I love my kids in Kenya.  I can't wait to be back there and start my work.  But not as a "missionary".  As a man.  Plain and simple.  A man.  Nothing greater, nothing less.  Just a man.  

So there it is.  The term that so many like to throw around like some blue ribbon at the fair...it's not so blue anymore.  

And there're my random thoughts for the night.  

thoughts on friendships

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it really means to be someone's friend.  I touched on it a bit towards the end of my last blog.  I've been thinking about what it means to be in relationship with others.  I'm not talking about a romantic relationship.  I'm talking about really being in relationship with another.

Since I've been back from Kenya I've noticed a few relationships changing.  Truthfully, most of the changes started either before I left for Kenya or while I was there.  Some have changed for the best.  I've made decisions to set healthy boundaries with certain members of my family and I've expressed those boundaries to them.  It sucks, but it was necessary because of where this specific person is and the effect it had on me.  It shows me that being in relationship with others means speaking the truth, even when it sucks.  Even when it means that the relationship changes.  For this family member, I've always had a rocky relationship.  But I often tried to keep a front up that I wasn't bothered by it.  I had to learn that that wasn't the loving thing to do anymore.  Relationship means being truthful.

I've had a very close relationship change due to some conflict.  The conflict took a while to resolve (I take some of the blame there as well).  As we moved towards resolution I thought we had found it.  Until I was told that this particular friend didn't want to put effort in anymore and asked me not to either.  Relationships are work sometimes.  There is conflict.  And that conflict, when handled properly can bring growth and closer unity.  It's in these times that we must fight for the relationship.  Still, the question arrises - and I don't know the answer - how long to you fight while being met with nothing but utter failure?

I  talked about King David's friend Hushai in my last blog.  Hushai saw David being betrayed and rejected by so many.  Even at risk to himself, he remained loyal to David.  It couldn't have been easy for Hushai to remain David's friend, but he did.  He chose relationship over everything - even his own life!  I don't know about you, but to me, that's the kind of friend I'd like to have!  In our world our lives may not be at stake for remaining friends with someone.  But our reputation may be.  Our jobs may be at stake.  Our image may be at stake.  I made a decision to remain loyal to some of my close friends and have lost some of the above things.  You know what?  It was worth it in every case.  Sadly, I've also been on the other side where people that I thought were friends chose their reputation or image over our friendship.  It sucks.  It's really dishonoring.  Relationships are hard.  They require work.  Sometimes, more than we feel up to.  But in the end, it's worth it.


Last week in my Elijah House class we were talking about relationships.  We talked about how so often our Western World is more task oriented whereas much of the rest of the world is focused on the relationship.  I saw this in Kenya with my friend Daniel Juma.  There were many times sitting at his home over the last 3 years where we set aside the for and talked.  We encouraged one another.  As I thought to my relationships here in the US, I thought of my friend Jim.  I've known him since the 3rd grade; we probably became good friends sometime in the 9th grade.  I call him one of my best friends.  We don't talk terribly often and see each other even less these days.  But Jim is that guy that I know is a friend like Hushai.  Our friendship isn't based on what we can take from each other; it's a friendship that enjoys being around one another.

Yes, relationships are difficult.  They require work.  But man are they worth it!  We're relational beings.  We were created for relationship.  Healthy relationship.  And when we find a solid one, it's so important to fight for it.  Because the difficult times don't last forever - unless you want them to.

Just my random thoughts as I try to piece things together.  Sometimes I almost miss being younger when the biggest problem to face in the day was where to ride my bike to.