Storms

Last week I booked a plane ticket to Kenya.  My flight was supposed to be tomorrow (Tuesday).  This past week has been absolutely crazy.  There have been so many details to work out and goodbyes to say along with packing.  I found myself getting so stressed out about everything.  I have so many more people I want to spend time with but there just enough enough time to see every single person.  By yesterday morning (Sunday) things were getting crazy as I tried to figure out rides to the airport as the hurricane was approaching.

At some point I stopped and thought about why I was getting stressed out.  I started to think about the story where Jesus calmed the sea.  One fascinating thing begins that story, and it's one that we tend to not pay enough attention to.  The story begins with Jesus telling His disciples "we're going to the other side".  Then he goes and takes a nap in the back of the boat as a storm hits.  The disciples must have also forgot that Jesus told them that they're going to the other side.  It's why they got upset with Jesus and questioned if He cared that they were drowning.  It was this moment that they woke Jesus and He calmed the sea.  And they went on to the other side.

As I thought about that, I thought to the physical storm that is currently hitting us as well as the emotional storm of everything building up.  I remembered that, like the disciples, I'm going to the other side.  I have my support in.  I have my plane ticket.  In Step is awaiting my arrival in Kenya.  I know that I'm going.  I stopped worrying and chose to no longer allow myself to be stressed out.

This was tested last night as I saw that my flight was cancelled.  Again, I know that I'm going.  Sure, it was disappointing to see my flight status as cancelled, but I knew that a new flight was a phone call away.  So, I sat down with my laptop and called Travelocity.  I waited on hold for an hour and half.  My heart sank when the representative told me that he couldn't help me.  Even though I booked through Travelocity, I had to call the airline directly to change anything.  Still, I thought, why worry?  I knew that they were rebooking everyone free of charge.  I just had to wait on hold some more.  Turned out that it was only 30 minutes this time.  About 10 minutes later, I had a new flight booked.  And with an exit row seat too. Trust me, if you're tall, you understand the HUGE blessing an exit row seat really is!

So, the new flight is Thursday, November 1st.  I am mostly finished packing; I just have the last minute things to pack, along with unpacking some clothing to wear for the extra couple of days.  Like the disciples, I am going.  Worrying and stressing will not get me there faster.  So I chose to enjoy the extra few days and what they will bring.

What storm are you facing?  Are you believing that you're going to drown or that you're going to get to the other side?  I guess it all comes down to focus.  You can focus on the bucket and try to bail out the boat, or you can look to the One who can calm the storm.  What strikes me as interesting is that the boat was still in the middle of the sea after the storm was calmed.  They were not taken out of the dangerous sea.  But they had peace as they shifted their focus.  It's still a little of a journey to get to Kenya.  There're still things that I have to do.  I still have the responsibility of getting to the airport on time and being diligent with my time.  Yet I have peace in it.  And believe me, it's a far better feeling than stress.

The adventure continues

I got back from Kenya just over 6 months ago now.  What a crazy 6 months it has been!  It's been almost exactly one year since I set off on my last Kenyan adventure.  So much has changed in the past year.  Relationships have changed.  Some for the best, others, not as much.  I've changed.  I feel different now than one year ago.  I've learned to trust even deeper in God's provision.  Since being home, I have been given rent free housing.  I got a part time job with the company I used to work for.  With it came the advantage of a free car.  I've had some awesome opportunities to speak about Kenya to some wonderful people.  I feel so much more alive.  St. Irenaues said that "The glory of God is man fully alive".  When I made the decision to leave my last job and chase my dream in Kenya, I've come far more alive than ever before.  It's as if I woke up one day and realized that I was killing myself going to work.  Nothing against that company, but it wasn't my passion anymore.  My passions were calling me elsewhere.

First coming back to the US was hard.  Jet lag aside, everything just felt... off.  I longed (and still do) to be back in Kenya.  Again, God was good.  I think that men especially long for a sense of purpose (maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think so?).  I found purpose in Kenya.  Sitting on the streets with kids that are typically ignored.  Playing games with those kids.  Standing up for them when no one else would.  I had purpose.  Being back in the US has shown me purpose here too.  I've continued to grow since being home.  I've had some great opportunities to meet, pray with and encourage people here in the US.  I remember the first time that someone stopped to write down what I said because it meant something to them.  I was blown away!  Not because I'm some great speaker or that I am full of wisdom.  I was blown away because it was awesome how God was still using me!    

Stil, I long for Kenya.  With every blog post of friends in Kenya, every picture uploaded, every message back and forth, my heart longs to be back home.  Right now I am looking at mid September for plane tickets back to Kenya.  The whole process over the last 6 months has been wild.  As I've been meeting with people and raising support, I've learned to truly depend on God to provide.  And that provision has come in amazing ways!  I remember looking at my numbers for monthly support as well as one time needs and thinking that I don't know how this is going to happen.  Not too long ago I was looking at my budget sheet and entering in different donations that came in.  My friend Kevin held a fundraiser for me the other weekend.  Over 1200 dollars was raised that night!  That was added to other one time gifts and I realized that all of the one-time needs were met and exceeded! 

Monthly support is also going well.  I need to have 1500 dollars a month raised before I buy my ticket.  As of right now, I am down to the last couple of hundred dollars left to raise!  Again, a number that used to frighten me as I wondered if it was ever going to happen has suddenly become much smaller and more attainable.  

So, as summer now comes to an end, it appears that so does my time in the US for a little while.  It's very bittersweet.  I hate goodbyes.  I'm a relational person and I so dearly miss my friends and my family when I am away.  Being away for Christmas last year was so difficult.  It was the first time that I can remember that I wasn't excited for Christmas.  But I thank God because technology has made staying in touch easier than ever before.  There's a joy that comes from being where I know I belong.  As hard as it is to leave so many people here, I have a deep joy for the work I am privileged to do in Kenya and I am very excited to go back and continue!  I can't wait to start working with In Step Foundation (http://www.rehemainstep.com).  The kids at In Step show how much hope there is in Kenya.  And I look forward to seeing how that is played out in their lives.  I look forward to seeing their lives transformed.  I look forward to watching as their deepest wounds begin to become their testimony of grace and God's sovereignty.    

If you are interested in learning more, I'd love to set up a time to meet with you.  Please email me at RayDSmith84@gmail.com and we'll set up a time to share.  Hopefully at a Starbucks because I've fallen in love with those Very Berry Hibiscus refreshers!  :) 

-Ray

Kind of thought provoking

Worth reading this to the end...it's a really unique take on this important issue.  I heard this passage a few weeks ago at my Elijah House class and finally bought the book; can't wait to hear what else the author has to say.  

"I don't want to be closed-minded or judgmental, but in good conscience I simply can't approve of the lifestyle. I personally believe it's a choice, not something predestined or forced upon anyone by anyone. I understand that parental upbringing is undoubtedly a big factor and that some people believe genes play a role in predisposing people to this orientation, but I also know that adults are responsible for their behavior, and the behaviors associated with this lifestyle are no exception. 

On the one hand, I believe that we live in a free country, and people should be free to do what they think is right. But on the other hand, I believe freedom has limits-one limit being where others are hurt by the chosen lifestyle. And this lifestyle, there can be no mistake, is hurting a lot of people. Families are being torn apart by it, and churches and denominations too. 

Everybody has an opinion on this controversial lifestyle, but I believe God's opinion is the one that matters most, and there is absolutely no question what God's opinion is according to the Bible. This orientation and the behaviors associated with it are thoroughly condemned, especially by Jesus. He was very compassionate toward many groups of people, but there is one group he had an absolute and uncompromising commitment to confront and expose, and it was those who dishonor themselves and others as humans made in the image of God by engaging in this lifestyle and its practices.

When people choose this lifestyle, they often cut themselves off from everyone who doesn't agree with them. They end up being assimilated and absorbed into closed communities where only their own voices and views are heard, and everyone who disagrees is mocked and condemned, often with very strong language. They often see their community as superior and become incapable of speaking respectfully to or of those of us who cannot in good conscience agree with them. Some of them go so far as to claim that God made them the way they are, pushing onto God the responsibility for their own choices and behaviors. 

Some, after giving themselves over completely to the lifestyle, have a crisis of conscience. But when they want to leave, their leaders and peers depict their changing perspective as a betrayal and pressure them to stay, often using fear tactics to intimidate them and keep them in their community. Special ministries have formed to help people exit the lifestyle, recover from the abuse and pain the community has been known to impose, and be reoriented to a healthier life and perspective. But even with professional therapy, many people feel they have been wounded for life by what they've experienced, and many, looking back on their years "inside," compare the lifestyle to an addiction. 

Spokespeople for the lifestyle can seem very educated and scholarly. They claim that their position has a long history behind it. They often quote scientific studies and back up their assertions with emotional anecdotes. Sometimes they seek to gain sympathy by claiming they are being mistreated and persecuted for being outspoken about their views. But they tend to ignore other strands of history and scientific research that contradict their position, and they ignore anecdotes that don't fit with their predetermined conclusions, and they minimize the persecution they inflict on others. 

Advocates are eager to recruit others into their "love" as they call it. Many organizations raise huge sums of money to recruit youth and children into their chosen way of life, and they have been extremely adept at using media-radio, TV and now the Internet-to gain an aura of credibility and legitimacy. They organize huge events and mass rallies to celebrate their growing clout and demonstrate that they are proud of who they are and what they stand for. Everyone knows how much influence they have in our political system, and how one political party in particular panders for their votes. But look at the countries where this lifestyle runs rampant, and you'll get an idea what our nation will be like if some of us don't have the courage to stand up and speak up. Wherever this lifestyle spreads, a whole host of social problems inevitably follows. 

Yes, activists may use the word love to justify their behavior, but those who disagree with them are seldom treated with love. Many of us have already faced the scorn of the activists who promote this chosen lifestyle and defend it as legitimate and even godly. For doing so we have received hate mail peppered with a wide range of threats and abusive speech, with many calling for our damnation. But even so, we have learned that we must not respond to hate with hate; we must love these people and seek to help them, even though we do not approve of their behavior.

You've probably realized by now that this parable isn't talking about "the gay lifestyle" but rather "the judgmental lifestyle," the kind of "take-the-splinter-out-of-your-brother's-eye" religiosity that Jesus talked about in the Sermon on the Mount. (If you didn't realize it, try going back and rereading it in that light.)"

Andrew Marin. Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community (p. 12). Kindle Edition. 

setting the record straight

Got to be honest before I start here...been a long week already.  Been one since Sunday.  

I started writing this earlier this evening.  I got annoyed with it, closed the laptop and spent some quite time.  I got home and sat outside by the fire pit and my attitude somewhat changed.  So I'm rewriting this blog using my "nice words".  

A lot of people have been calling me a name.  They've used this term many times and I've even called my self this name on more than one occasion.  The name has actually become rather offensive to me though.  I really don't like it and I don't like that I call myself this name too often.  That name?  Missionary.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a missionary.  Not as you may think of the term.  

People tend to think of missionaries as having their life all together.  Missionaries don't have bad days.  They don't say bad words.  They never have a drink or smoke.  They have perfect families and relationships.  Life is perfect.  Right?  WRONG!  At least, it sure is for me!  

I had a glass of scotch and smoked my pipe sitting by the fire.  Sometimes, I say a bad word.  Family?  HA!  I love my family, but there're still parts that are messed up.  My mom and I haven't spoken in over a year.  I reached a point where there's nothing I could do to fix it.  Life all put together?  Really?  that's a joke!  I've led a pretty crazy life so far.  I've done a lot of things that I'm proud of.  But I've done a lot of things I'm not so proud of too.  If you know me from back in the Friars' Society, you probably saw some of them.  Perfect relationships?  Yeah, I wish.  I wish I could fix them.  I'm going through something right now with someone I've been friends with for a long time.  After a conflict, this other person is refusing to work through it.  Instead, has said that they are unwilling to put effort into trying to fix things.  I wish I had perfect relationships.  I really do.  

I was reading the book of Ruth recently.  Great book from the Old Testament.  Quick back story:  Ruth and her sister in law are married into this woman named Naomi's family.  Both of their husbands die - no children.  Naomi tells them to go back to their fathers' homes to remarry.  The sister in law does this.  Ruth, well, she doesn't leave.  Here's what she says to Naomi:  

Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if 

even death separates you and me

That's what I want.  I want that same level of loyalty in my relationships.  And I'm not willing to settle for anything less.  I may not be a perfect person.  I've been broken and I have my problems.  But you know what?  I'm still being used in really awesome ways.  I may have a family member or two that I don't talk to.  I have a friend that has stabbed my in the gut.  I enjoy a cold beer or a scotch.  I love a good cigar from time to time.  I'm not what people think of in their heads when you say "missionary".  And you know what?  I don't know many people that are.  What am I then?

I'm a man chasing a dream.  I'm a man that is following a leading in my life to Kenya.  I'm a man who has failed many times.  But with each failure, I've learned something.  With each and every failure, I've become that much better of a man.  I've failed but I'm not a failure in any way.  I love the journey that I'm on.  I love my kids in Kenya.  I can't wait to be back there and start my work.  But not as a "missionary".  As a man.  Plain and simple.  A man.  Nothing greater, nothing less.  Just a man.  

So there it is.  The term that so many like to throw around like some blue ribbon at the fair...it's not so blue anymore.  

And there're my random thoughts for the night.  

thoughts on friendships

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it really means to be someone's friend.  I touched on it a bit towards the end of my last blog.  I've been thinking about what it means to be in relationship with others.  I'm not talking about a romantic relationship.  I'm talking about really being in relationship with another.

Since I've been back from Kenya I've noticed a few relationships changing.  Truthfully, most of the changes started either before I left for Kenya or while I was there.  Some have changed for the best.  I've made decisions to set healthy boundaries with certain members of my family and I've expressed those boundaries to them.  It sucks, but it was necessary because of where this specific person is and the effect it had on me.  It shows me that being in relationship with others means speaking the truth, even when it sucks.  Even when it means that the relationship changes.  For this family member, I've always had a rocky relationship.  But I often tried to keep a front up that I wasn't bothered by it.  I had to learn that that wasn't the loving thing to do anymore.  Relationship means being truthful.

I've had a very close relationship change due to some conflict.  The conflict took a while to resolve (I take some of the blame there as well).  As we moved towards resolution I thought we had found it.  Until I was told that this particular friend didn't want to put effort in anymore and asked me not to either.  Relationships are work sometimes.  There is conflict.  And that conflict, when handled properly can bring growth and closer unity.  It's in these times that we must fight for the relationship.  Still, the question arrises - and I don't know the answer - how long to you fight while being met with nothing but utter failure?

I  talked about King David's friend Hushai in my last blog.  Hushai saw David being betrayed and rejected by so many.  Even at risk to himself, he remained loyal to David.  It couldn't have been easy for Hushai to remain David's friend, but he did.  He chose relationship over everything - even his own life!  I don't know about you, but to me, that's the kind of friend I'd like to have!  In our world our lives may not be at stake for remaining friends with someone.  But our reputation may be.  Our jobs may be at stake.  Our image may be at stake.  I made a decision to remain loyal to some of my close friends and have lost some of the above things.  You know what?  It was worth it in every case.  Sadly, I've also been on the other side where people that I thought were friends chose their reputation or image over our friendship.  It sucks.  It's really dishonoring.  Relationships are hard.  They require work.  Sometimes, more than we feel up to.  But in the end, it's worth it.


Last week in my Elijah House class we were talking about relationships.  We talked about how so often our Western World is more task oriented whereas much of the rest of the world is focused on the relationship.  I saw this in Kenya with my friend Daniel Juma.  There were many times sitting at his home over the last 3 years where we set aside the for and talked.  We encouraged one another.  As I thought to my relationships here in the US, I thought of my friend Jim.  I've known him since the 3rd grade; we probably became good friends sometime in the 9th grade.  I call him one of my best friends.  We don't talk terribly often and see each other even less these days.  But Jim is that guy that I know is a friend like Hushai.  Our friendship isn't based on what we can take from each other; it's a friendship that enjoys being around one another.

Yes, relationships are difficult.  They require work.  But man are they worth it!  We're relational beings.  We were created for relationship.  Healthy relationship.  And when we find a solid one, it's so important to fight for it.  Because the difficult times don't last forever - unless you want them to.

Just my random thoughts as I try to piece things together.  Sometimes I almost miss being younger when the biggest problem to face in the day was where to ride my bike to.

I didn't ask for this...or did I?

It's been a crazy week.  Really crazy.  I had some really good meetings with people and was able to share some stories of Kenya and catch up with dear friends.  I was able to encourage others through conversations as well as be encouraged.  It was great.  Then, a few things happened all at once that forced me to sit back and really question.

Without going into too much details, the end of this week wrecked me a bit.  I heard some updates about a dear friend that just plain hurt.  Someone that I love dearly had some some things that weren't in the character that I had come to know.  That's really all I'm going to say.  It was hard to hear some things, and I know there is much more that I probably do not know and honestly do not need to know.  The experience of it all left me questioning is there really hope?  Where is it?

Since I've been back in the US a few relationships have drastically changed (they started to change before I got home).  I may not have been 100% at fault, but I know that I was partially to blame.  I've been really making an effort to mend lately but feel as though I've been met with nothing but utter failure.  By the end of the week I was left again questioning.  Is there hope for it?  Should there even be?  It is simply time to be thankful for what once was and move on, accepting that several (not just one) relationships are far from what they once were and maybe that's not a bad thing?

Friday was a really hard day.  For several weeks I've been trying to meet up with one of the pastors at church to catch up.  We've seen each other for a bit of time at church but we both wanted a time to sit and talk over a coffee.  As I was sipping a coffee at Wegman's, he walked in and said that he had just gotten en emergency phone call and asked if I'd go with him to help out and pray over the situation.  Again, I'm not going to go into details, but it became a difficult day.  Nothing can even begin to prepare you for a day sitting in the ER waiting room with a mom who has been through a tragedy like this.  I began to share with her and offer what comfort I could.  The morning came and went as afternoon set in.  I thought that she was starting to grasp what was begin said.  Maybe in some way she was.  Then, as I was preparing o leave, she went right back to where she was hours ago.  The same things we had discussed and she was seeing answers to were back on the table with the two other pastors who came out.  I left questioning.  Did anything that came out of my mouth all day matter?

By Friday night I got home and asked the big question:  When did ask for any of this?  I meant it too.  When did I ask to become the one that people could come to.  When did I ask to be the one that has to offer encouragement to others?  When did I ask for conflicts in relationships.  Hard times.  Betrayals.  When did I ask for any of this?  I was convinced that I hadn't.  Truth is, I did ask for much of it.  Maybe not in those words, but I did.

After my first trip to Kenya I was hit with some hard truths about my own heart and where it was.  I made a choice when I got home to address issues in my life that need addressing.  I made a choice to allow my heart to be healed.  I made that choice because I knew that there was something more for me.  I wanted to be used in new ways.  I wanted to be made whole to walk others through the same.  So, when did I ask for this?  When I chose to walk a new path of true relationships with others.

My good friend Chris sent me a passage from 2 Chronicles last night that really nailed the point home for me.  In chapter 27 David lists people of importance in Israel.  It talks about those in the treasury, those who work fields, suppliers of wine, those in charge of the flocks, etc.  Then it lists something important.  Verse 32 lists the king's advisors and counselors.  But 33 calls out King David's close friend.  When Chris sent me this he also sent me back for some more of the story.  It's found in 2 Samuel.  The counselors and advisors betrayed David.  But the one listed as his friend - Hushai - remains loyal.  The parallel that Chris drew was that "being a true friend is a hairy deal.  It can be super awesome, it can be super emotional, it can be super terrible, it can be super inexplainable, it can be super overwhelming."  

When we chose to be a real friend, it can get hard.  Being a friend to King David wasn't easy.  But Hushai remained true and did as David asked him.  Being in relationship with someone isn't always going to be easy.  There will often be times where it's downright hard.  Conflicts arise.  Situations come up that test the fabric that holds friendships together.  Sometimes maintaining a relationship is a fight.  Sometimes it means speaking truth to someone in the ER who is afraid to hear it.  It means speaking the truth even though the truth sucks and is hard to hear.  And maybe it's not about it getting through.  Maybe it's more about stepping out in boldness and being real.  Maybe what people need isn't someone to tell them the "Christianese BS" that "everything will be totally okay after this" but the truth that people make choices.  Things may get worse before getting better.  It's not about things being okay right away.  Life is a journey; it's a process.  We're all on it.  Maybe being in a true honest, vulnerable relationship with someone is telling them this.  But not leaving it there - still offering hope.  Offering hope that even though it may get worse first, that we can still rejoice in the hope that we have.  After all, 1 Thessalonians tells us that we do not grieve as men with no hope.  Rather, we grieve with a hope.  We still grieve.  We still walk through the process.  We still journey.  

Maybe I'm totally off base here.  I don't know.  Long blog for a long week.

Kenya: from 2009 until 2012

I've seriously condensed everything I own to just a few bags worth of things.  My dad has been kind enough to store a few sedimental things for me in a closet at his house.  A few weeks ago I stopped by his place to pick them up and condense a bit more.  In one of the boxes I came across a journal from the first trip to Kenya in 2009.  Here's a few excerpts from when we got back:

Aug. 6, 2009:  
We've been back for 9 days now. I feel empty.  People are ignorant, stupid and hard to love.  I so badly want to share with them but they don't want to hear...it's funny to them that street kids walk around huffing glue - as one man said, "now that's the life!".  I feel discouraged and lonely...I want to go back.  

Sept. 4, 2009:
We've been back for a while now.  People are still just as ignorant.  It still bothers me how insensitive people can be.  But I've found that I can't waste time and efforts on them.  Instead, I choose to focus on those who want to hear...My heart still longs to be in Kenya.  I miss it so much.  I left weeks ago, but part of my heart is still there.  I long for my feet to touch Kenyan soil again.  I long for the embrace and friends I left behind.  Simply put, I long.  I am certain that an even larger Kenyan adventure awaiting.

It was interesting reading those two pages this afternoon.  I definitely remember struggling each time I've come home.  I seemed to be very quick to judge others.  The truth is that I had an experience that most people in the US never get.  Many of the people that I am surrounded by daily haven't been outside of the comforts of the US.  Coming back to the US this time was even harder.  I no longer viewed people as "ignorant, stupid and hard to love" (well, I tried not to).  But I did find it difficult to not judge others.  I still felt a great deal of discouragement.  I still felt lonely.  Very lonely.  I came back to welcoming friends and family, but was still lonely and longed for my home in Kenya.  Moving towards the second entry was even more interesting.  I can still relate in a way.  I have learned that not everyone wants to hear everything.  Some people really do just want to know how the weather is and what kinds of food I ate.  And that's fine.  I can tell them that.  But I really come alive when I get to tell stories about Peter.  Or the glue dealer that I spent time talking to.  I'd much rather share stories about Alex-Juma and the other street boys that became my friends.  And I love that I have a community that allowed me to share those stories.  I have a community that allowed me to cry as I shared many of the stories.

I really loved the very end of that entry.  Even three years ago I knew that there was something more to Kenya for me.  Before that trip I had an irrational fear of flying over the ocean.  I say irrational because my fear was not the plane crashing.  My fear was the plane crashing in the ocean and me surviving and getting eaten by a shark.  Yeah, I know - it was dumb!  Three years ago I didn't know that I would be able to go back to Kenya.  A good friend in Kenya saw some wounds in my heart that he called me out on.  Some wounds that needed healing before I could do anything longterm in Kenya.  Now, three years later I am planning my 4th trip to Kenya.  A trip that will truly be a long term.  Three years later and I am certain that life in the US is not where I belong right now.  I love the USA and my family and friends here, but my heart really is in Kenya.  Three years ago I penned that I longed for the embrace of friends left behind.  Today I still long for those embraces, but they are from friends who have become family.

A lot has changed since I wrote these two entries.  While I still struggle with coming back to the US, I've learned to be more content.  I've learned to love better.  As much as has changed, the underlying theme of longing to be back in Kenya has remained the same.

See you in a few months Kenya!