Wednesday, June 1, 2011

uh-oh

It's almost midnight.  I'm up at camp.  I can't sleep.  Here's my heart at this very moment.

I got to camp about 3 hours ago.  It felt good to be leaving West Chester.  At first.  I was so excited because this new season is starting.  My friend from camp, Jay, picked me up and we hung out for a bit.  He left after a little while ago to go home.  And here I am.  I have a dog to keep me company.  A dog who is only looking for her true friend, Chris, the camp director.  He is currently away as he is on his way to Boston tomorrow for a baseball game.  So here I am.  Wondering what tomorrow will bring.

I sat outside for a little while listening to some music.  Then, my thoughts took hold.  WOW!!  This is really it!  Seven months ago I so eagerly looked forward to today.  This was a new start.  A start of a journey chasing my passions.  And yet here I am.  More scared than ever.  I'm scared half to death right now.  Sorry, I'm just being honest.  I sat outside for a while tonight begging God for an answer to one specific question:  "Why me?".  Why chose me to be uprooted from everything in a town I've grown to call home.   I grew up in Catasauqua but I call West Chester home.  And I have been begging for an answer to why me to uproot from everything I've been comfortable and content with for nearly a decade now.  Why do i have to leave my family and friends in PA to go after something else?  Why can't I just stay here and do good works around West Chester?  Why do I have to be the one do give it all up?  And here's the honest and straightforward question:  I'm giving all this up, what is God giving up for me?

These past few years have taught me a lot.  One thing I've learned is not to hide from these seemingly dark feelings.  In fact, I have learned to almost embrace them.  Not to let them take root, but to embrace them enough to acknowledge them.  I can't hide my innermost heart from God so I might as well express it.  Right now, there is a TON OF FEAR!

I'm officially at the point of no return.  I can't go back now.  Or can I?  I wrote in a recent blog how this relates to a roller coaster.  Can I still get out of the car and take the steps back down?  I guess so.  I can.  My previous job has not been filled yet.  I can go back.  They will most likely give me my old job back, along with the perks.  But what I realized tonight is that's not me.  That's not my style anymore.  I'm not one to quit.  Sure, I used to be.  I used to be one to give up at the sign of a fight.  but not anymore.  I've learned a new identity in Christ.  I'm not giving up.  I have a new set of passions.  And dang it, I'm chasing them.  I'm chasing after a new journey that has been set before me because I know that the God who has given me these passions will not let me down.  He WILL work all things out.  I may have my own fears, but He is greater than those fears.  I'm uncertain of what life will look like in seven months.  But He already knows.  My job right not is not to know, but to trust.  And as much as I may have some doubts in the back of my head, I refuse to give them any more hold.  I will continue to trust.  I will continue to press forward on this new adventure.  And if it leads me to stay in Kenya, that's awesome.  And if it leads me back to the US to other things, that's awesome too.  And if it happens to lead to another part of the world...well then I will go there too.  This journey is exciting.  And I refuse to allow some insignificant fear to hold me back.

I truly am excited for what this summer has.  And i am truly excited for what will happen in Kenya in the fall.  I may have some fears and doubts.  But I'm pressing through them.  A pastor at my church recently told us during a church leadership dinner that it's not whether or no you have fears.  It's about whether or not you allow those fears to hold you back.

2 comments:

  1. thanks for sharing your heart. Your vulnerability is beautiful and cherished. "just keep swimming" hahah some cute fishy said that in a movie :).

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  2. I am SO thankful to be getting to KNOW you Ray, and am thankful for your open heart.

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