Wednesday, May 4, 2011

And then there were 4

About 6 months ago it seemed like May would never get here.  Now, time is flying by.  Maybe too fast at times.  May 31st is very rapidly approaching.  It looks like my last day of work will be May 27th (last Friday in May).  That gives me a couple of days to sit still before starting work at camp for the summer.

These past 6 months have been such a journey.  In 6 months I have started to learn so much more about myself.  I have seen my passions come alive.  I have seen my dreams slowly mesh into reality.  And I know that as Kenya draws closer, those passions and dreams will continue to grow.  I am starting to learn what it means to live on faith.  As I started to look at the price tag on this trip, I was first met with uncertainty and fear, and a part of me that wanted to give up.  But I have learned to have faith that my needs will be met.  My grandfather asked me a question on Easter: "and what are you going to do after you come back?  Where are you going to live and work?".  To be honest, I've asked myself those same questions time and time again.  And the truth is that I don't know.  I don't know where I'm going to be at this time next year.  But I am doing my best to not worry about it.  I say doing my best because there are still times that the fear takes hold.  Times where I need to remind myself of the faith I have been given.

These last 6 months have also been somewhat difficult on me in some ways.  While this is definitely a few month long trip, my heart really is in Kenya.  And I am very seriously considering what a long term commitment will look like.  As I do that, I look at what I will miss.  I may miss things like driving my car, paddling my kayak, or walking in the park.  But what I will really miss the most are people.  As I drove home from Easter dinner, all I could think about was how much I will miss my family.  I asked my uncle if we could Skype during Thanksgiving.  That's going to be a huge difference.  And I know it won't be easy.  The other weekend as I spent time with my dad and family at my stepmom's memorial, I was reminded of how much I value all of them as well.  And how much I will miss them so much.  Friends will also be missed.  The list goes on and on with who I will miss.

But like I said, in these last 6 months my passions have taken on a life of their own.  Yes, I will miss people.  I am not excited about missing holiday dinners.  But I am excited about chasing my dreams.  I know that I am going where I am supposed to be.  I know that there is a deep connection that I can have as I build relationships with street boys in Kenya.  And that is going to be powerful!  I am by no means saying that the boys in Kenya mean more to me than my family and friends.  I am not saying that at all.  I really don't even know how to explain it well.  I just know that this is the right thing to do.  And now is the right time.  I know that this decision has not been easy for some people in my family.  And it breaks me to know that this decision is hurting them.  But my prayer is that in time they will see the greater good.  My prayer is that as I share more stories they too will see that this is right.  My prayer is that no one will view me as running away, but running towards.  I'm running towards a dream.  I'm running towards a great movement.  

I feel like my emotions have been all over the place these last 6 months.  But looking at the final 4 weeks left, I am excited.  I am eager to see what is in store for me.  I'm ready to get started working at camp for the summer.  And I'm excited about getting on a plane to Kenya.  Sure, there are things I don't care for.  I'm not so excited about the idea of raising support.  it goes against so much of what I have been taught about being independent and relying on me and only me.  But I am excited about how the process of allowing others to partner with me will grow me even more.

John Eldredge said it best:
 “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go and do that, because what the world needs is more people who are alive.” 
I'm tired of living a life doing what the world expects me to do.  Because that's not life.  These last 6 months have been so many things.  But most of all, they have been about me coming alive.   

2 comments:

  1. You are deeply loved...

    ReplyDelete
  2. thank you. may i ask who the anonymous post is from?

    ReplyDelete