Thursday, May 26, 2011

pinballs to roller coasters

I lied.  One more blog before camp.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the big day!  I used to call tomorrow the point of no return.  Tomorrow is my last day of work and I look at it as there's no turning back after that.  It's like a roller coaster, ya know?  Your experience is likely different, but I'm petrified of heights.  Waiting in line isn't too bad; you know you can walk away (unless your friends borderline kidnap you and throw you on the Rockin' Aerosmith coaster in Disney - JIM VOMERO).  Once you buckle into the seat you know if you fuss enough, you can still get off the ride.  But once that attendant comes by and verifies you're seatbelted in and that car starts up the hill, you're not going anywhere!  For me, that hill up is intense.  Me and God get extra close as I BEG that the car stays on the track and doesn't get stuck part way up.  They have those stairs on the side of the coaster as if that is supposed to be of some comfort.  If the coster gets stuck you can climb out and walk down the steps.  UH, I THINK NOT!  If that thing gets stuck you better get a helicopter rescue squad to come get me because my butt is staying put in that seat looking down at my feat with tears of fear pouring out of me. But once you get to the top of that hill and start to go over it, man is it awesome!  the feeling of free fall and whipping all around.  The loops are awesome.  Corkscrew barrel rolls are adrenaline pumping!  And eventually the ride comes to a stop and you get off.

Right now, I'm about to start that hill I think.  I'm still sitting in the safety zone where if I make enough noise I can get out.  But if I turn around that ride attendant is coming up on me fast.  And the cars are about to start up hill.

Tonight was good.  I met up with my friend Clint from church and we talked and prayed.  He asked me some tough questions about where my heart is at.  Overall, I'm happy.  I really am.  These last two weeks I have been laughing through most of my day.  I'm sure that people at work may have gotten almost tired of it sometimes.  But I've been in such a good mood and I hope I've been spreading it.  But tonight was really good.  Clint's questions allowed me to let my guard down a bit.  Truth is that there still is fear in me.  Not fear that is holding me back.  I'm still strapped in and ready for the ride.  But I'm still begging that this ride doesn't stop halfway uphill.  Tonight was a chance to admit that.  And I am so thankful for that opportunity.

So tomorrow that ride attendant arrives at my seat and it's the front car.  This coaster is about to take off.  Funny that in a roller coaster there is more than one hill.  There is a hill before the loops and rolls.  See, the parts I love most about the roller coaster seem to have a big hill in front of them.  I know that the next several months to a year won't be easy.  It won't all be the free fall experience for me.  There will be more than one hill to climb.  But at the top of the hill is a new excitement.

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